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The television special that never existed, honest doesn’t actually have a lightsaber battle between Luke and Vader in it. Check the script yourself! You may need to poke your eyes out with a spork afterwards.

Or worse, feel an urge to obtain a bootleg copy. Here, I’ll help you because I love you so much!

Some spinoffs are less worse, such as the 1980 album by Meco, narrated by Anthony Daniels as C3-P0.

Compared to this, Star Wars Christmas ornaments are merely a gentle cuddle to the quality of the epic. After all, there’s still George Lucas officially trashing it with the musical.

Photo: “A very nerdy Christmas” by Ginnerobot, taken December 8, 2008 with a Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT. CC by-sa 2.0.